Style Conversational Week 1300: Write some wrongs
The Style Invitational Empress discusses this week’s contest and
results
The sequel “National Velvet II”: Bob Staake’s cartoon example for Week
693 in 2006.
By
Pat Myers
close
Image without a caption
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
Email
Email
Bio
Bio
Follow
Follow
Oct. 4, 2018 at 3:17 p.m. EDT
We’re celebrating Style Invitational Week 1300
with yet another movie-themed contest; Elden
Carnahan’s Master Contest List
puts
the “MOV” label on 43 of them. But the vast majority of them focus on
wordplay on the titles of the movies, rather than their plots. This
week, however, you (and the reader) need to have some familiarity with
the plot: At the suggestion of Loser Duncan Stevens, the Empress asks
you to create a “13” version of a movie in which something goes terribly
(but humorously) wrong.
There /have /been several plot-based Invites over the years, though not
one just like Week 1300. The closest might be Week 136, to update the
end of a classic book or film for modern movie audiences; Week 324,
movie prequels; and Week 693, sequels. Here’s some ink from those
contests. Note that wordplay still manages to get lots of blots.
/*From Week 136, 1995:* / /Most of these create “Hollywood endings” for
heretofore tragic or at least nuanced stories. /
New end for Kafka’s *“Metamorphosis”:* Giant bug runs amok, terrifying
community. Lovestruck gal scientist tries to save it, but Air Force
blows it to smithereens. (Jonathan Paul)
New end for *“Oedipus Rex”:* Oedipus comes back to town, kills his
father, marries his mother and then blinds himself. However, it turns
out he was adopted! He finds his birth mother, who is a brilliant eye
surgeon and who restores his sight after a 16-hour operation featuring
tight closeups of knitted brows over surgical masks. (Steven King)
New end for *“Thelma & Louise”:* As the getaway convertible sails
through the air off the cliff, Thelma pushes a button releasing a giant
parachute over the car, letting it drift safely down. Suddenly, Butch
Cassidy and the Sundance Kid land in the back seat, having leapt off the
other side of the cliff! A mid-air make-out session ensues . . . (Honus
Thuermer)
/And the winner of the Pop-Out-Your-Eye-With-a-Soup-Spoon magician’s
illusion: /New end for*“Citizen Kane” -*- The reporter discovers that
Rosebud was Kane’s sled. He rescues it from the furnace and uses it to
enter the Olympic luge event, winning a gold medal. (Jerry Podlesak)
*“Rear Window”: *Raymond Burr, acting as his own attorney, successfully
defends himself against the murder charges by impeaching the eyewitness
testimony of Jimmy Stewart, who’d seen an invisible rabbit before, too.
(Tommy Litz)
*“The Grapes of Wrath”:* The Joads move back to Oklahoma, where one day,
shootin’ for some food, they discover some bubblin’ crude . . . (Joseph
Romm, Washington)
*“2001”:* Right after they disable HAL, something comprehensible
happens. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
*“La Boheme”:* Instead of dying of consumption, Mimi dies of a new
drug-resistant strain of consumption. (Jonathan Paul)
*/Week 324, 1999, prequels: / *
*“It’s a Terrible Life”: * After losing the use of his legs, young Mr.
Potter wishes he had never been born. But after an angel shows him just
how unbearably chipper the town of Bedford Falls would be without him,
he changes his mind for the good of mankind. (Art Grinath)
*“James Bond, 006”: * A man with a learner’s permit to kill. (Brian
Broadus; Bob Sorensen)
*“Star Wars, Episode 0”:* Ninety minutes of Mrs. Skywalker’s ultrasound
of little Anakin. On the first weekend, it grosses $100 million. (Aaron
Kravitz) [The first real “Star Wars” prequel, “The Phantom Menace,” had
come out a month earlier.]
*“Tuesday Night Fever”: *The dancing is intense, but stops at 11
because, hey, it’s a school night. (Russell Beland)
*“Paleozoic Park”:* Trilobytes are cloned from fossilized DNA, and a
theme park is created around them. No one comes. Then someone gets a
better idea (Beth Baniszewski)
*“The Undergraduate”:* Benjamin is a little worried about his acne.
Score by Chad and Jeremy. (Jonathan Paul)
*“Go Ask Dorothy”: * Fed up with her addiction to hallucinogens, a young
girl’s parents send her to live with her aunt and uncle on a farm where,
unfortunately, mushrooms grow wild. (Sarah and Amy Splitt)
*// * /*From Week 693, 2006, movie sequels: * /
*“Bonnie and Clyde II”: *The troopers just keep shooting into the car
for another 127 minutes. (Russell Beland)
*“Snakes on a Blimp”: *Hey, what’s that hissing noise . . . hey, what’s
that BIG hissing noise? (Beth Baniszewski)
*“Gandhi II”: *No more Mister Nice Guy! (Andy Bassett)
*“Upper West Side Story”: *The remaining Jets grow up and become bond
traders, taking ballet classes in their off-hours. (Ira Allen)
*“Brokeback Molehill”:* Even in the rural West, some traditional
attitudes are softening, so Ennis’s new love interest is just no big
deal. (Russell Beland)
*“The Other 603 Commandments”*: Moses sits up there on Mount Sinai
taking notes about such topics as pigeon sacrifice and whether bats are
kosher. Except for the slightly racy Commandments 82 through 105, which
cover forbidden sexual relations, the tale is a bit short of epic.
(Andrew Schneider)
*“The Great Escape 2”:* Capt. Hilts, in another daring escape attempt,
makes it out of the camp but wrecks his motorcycle trying to avoid a
governess and her seven children. (Tom Galgano)
*“Rocky 13”:* Rocky Balboa, now 92, winds up in the same nursing home as
his nemesis Clubber Lang, 87. The rivalry is reignited after their
wheelchairs bump on the way to bingo. They throw some Jell-O at each
other, then take a nap. (Michael Levy)
*“You’ve Got Spam”: *Kathleen breaks up with Joe and fears she’ll never
love again, until she starts a new e-mail relationship with a Nigerian
banker. (Brendan Beary)
*“Pay Per Moon”: *Addie gives up the grift and settles down to an honest
life as a stripper. (Steve Langer)
*“Ferris Bueller’s Flex Day”:* Our hero, all grown up, spends a day away
from the office waiting for the cable guy to arrive, paying bills,
mowing his lawn and finally sneaking in that trip to the bank he’s been
needing to make. (Russell Beland)
*“King Kong: The Next Generation”: *After her mother pretty much
explodes in childbirth, Fay Darrow Kong tries to adjust to life in New
York as a 20 foot human-ape hybrid. Kids learn to stop teasing pretty
quickly, but she is isolated and lonely until World War II, where she
single-handedly captures Okinawa in 27 minutes. (Jeff Brechlin)
*“The Passion of the Christ 2, 3 and 4”: * [The real one was made by
notoriously anti-Semitic Mel Gibson] The Jews go on to cause more
trouble in the world in 476, as Rome falls to the Jewish barbarians;
1431, as Joan of Arc is burned at the stake by Jewish mobs; and 1941,
when Jews of the Imperial Navy send their Zeros to attack Pearl Harbor.
(Arthur Litoff)
*GAD-ZUKES*! IT’S WEEK 1296: THE INKING NEW-WORD POEMS* /
Non-inking headline by Chris Doyle; Jeff Contompasis used the same pun
in a non-inking poem. /
//Our Week 1296 list of 35 terms recently
added to Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary naturally
generated a boatload of zingy poems in which our resident Loserbards did
a good impression of not being permanently stuck in the 20th century.
Matt Monitto, who at age 26 is just a few years older than Generation Z,
even included /shawty, /
a word that M-W has not yet acknowledged, in his Romeo rap.
Matt also got ink with a song parody (“Guac on the Mild Side”), as did
Nan Reiner with “O Donny Boy.” Our usual rule in the Invite is not to
run previously published material, but the Empress bent the rules ever
so slightly in this case: Nan sent her parody to us on Sept. 17, three
days after Paul Manafort copped his plea (“Oh, Donny Boy, the perps, the
perps are singing,/ From Flynn to Cohen, and now ’tis Manafort ...”). A
day or two later, professional parody singer (andrecent Loser
) Sandy Riccardi was
looking for timely material, and I gave my blessing for Sandy and her
husband Richard to immediately record “Donny Boy,” which they posted on
Sept. 20. (This very day, Meanwhile, the Riccardis just put out an
original Kavanaugh song called “Boys Will Be ...”
)
Our Losers’ Circle this week — in fact, the whole list of entries —
consists of veteran Style Invitational Losers, virtually all of them
known for extensive poetry ink. With his Lose Cannon this week, Mark
Raffman nabs his 17th Invite win and 524th ink overall; Nan Reiner marks
her 61st appearance “above the fold, for 408 inks in all; Robert
Schechter, a regularly published poet and translator, gets his 209th
ink. And ding! This week Duncan Stevens passes the 300 mark, with a
runner-up plus two honorable mentions — as well as his milkshake-winning
contest idea and all those examples. Duncan didn’t start Inviting till
Week 970, in 2012; the only Losers with more ink and (barely) later
debuts are Mark (Week 979) and Danielle Nowlin (Week 995, 305 blots).
Wow, pretty good herd of Invite foals back in 2012.
*What Doug Dug: * The favs this week of Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood
were Jesse Frankovich’s couplet calling zoodles (zucchini noodles)
“impasta’: and Mark Raffman’s and Robert Schechter’s “TL;DR” winners. As
I predicted, I got numerous Invitational-themed entries for both “time
suck” and “TL;DR.” Hmph.
*A Going Concern: A real “shy bladder” story: *
Loser Chuck Helwig entered this poem featuring the new-to-M-W term “shy
bladder,” noting that “it’s true. In the late ’90s this happened at
Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, Ohio, during a random drug test”:
While in the Air Force, a few years ago
I knew of a colonel who just couldn’t go.
For once in a while, no matter your rank,
One made a donation to the porcelain tank.
Each month they drew names (always at random)
And you needed a “witness,” to watch you in tandem.
In line we all stood, each waiting our turn,
Drinking coffee until the point of no return.
But as he stepped up, the colonel got madder.
Quoting his “witness”: he’s got a shy bladder!
Uncomfortable he was (we thought he’d explode)
Till a doc grabbed a catheter, and – yup – then he flowed.